I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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