I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just found puke in my bra..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
