I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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