I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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