You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
