i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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