I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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