if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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