some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
