I'm so fucking centered right now
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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