Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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