haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
