Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
