I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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