I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
PANTIES FOUND
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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