just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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