The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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