Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
