Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
