how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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