Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
