I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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