sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
