So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
