I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
