I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
