there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He passed out mid-signature
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
