I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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