my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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