Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
