My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
