Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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