He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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