i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
