I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
