Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
