I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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