im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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