I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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