i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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