After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
