Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
