Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
