OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
