dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He kissed a someone with a penis
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
