It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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