My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
