im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
