I just pynch a tree in the face
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
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I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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