Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
false alarm. still invincible.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
