he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
