I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
