Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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