Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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