My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
