Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
